August 9, 2012

F + U

I follow a lot of blogs and a few of them happen to be wedding blogs though I am not married or engaged, but I am a girl so I suppose I always qualify. I like to look at pretty flowers and fancy things. But recently looking through these blogs, I feel like I'm looking at the same wedding with different faces, colors, and locations. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to this (thank god) but for the most part it seems like a few current trends are so out of control that I couldn't help but make a joke of the whole thing. So I created a five step guide to totally fucking up your wedding. Also, I'll add that it is the sum of all 5 of these steps combined that makes the wedding a total modern stereotype rendering your whole wedding meaningless to me.

Step 1: The strapless sweetheart neckline dress

I don't give a shit if you think yours is different because it had forty-four organza roses at the bottom or has 40lbs of beading, they all look the same. You spent upwards of 10K to look like everyone else. I hope it was worth it. I know you are probably thinking "hey bitch, back off my big day dreams" which is fair, it's your day do whatever you want, but for the love of bananas is it really what you want? Everyone seems to want it. Not even Kate Middleton could make this trend go away.

Step 2: Different dress same color

The problem with this situation is in the fact that you're pretending like you've given your bridesmaids a choice when you really haven't. You're still making them buy a $200 silk taffeta piece of poop that they would not like to wear in periwinkle ever again even if they had a choice of four styles. This whole rant also applies to different shades of the same color with different dresses.

If you're going to be different, be different; don't half ass it to feel better about it. If you want your bridesmaids to feel comfortable and wear something they'll actually wear again why not make them get something in a fabric wasn't exclusively used for weddings and Quinceaneras? Have you really not liked a single dress your friends have ever worn? Would a simple pattern distract so much from your big day that you'll never forgive them for outshining you? There are so many lovely dresses in the world and it's a shame that bridesmaids are forced to wear mediocre, bland dresses made of the world's weirdest fabrics.

Step 3: The ring within a ring within a ring wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a dream

I'll be upfront in this section, I don't know much about diamond cuts and karats and all that, but these rings are boring as shit. Don't get me wrong it's damn flashy and says "yup, he totally loves you" but they all look the same. Maybe it's compounded with the wedding photography of the rings in weird situations like on a feather or sitting on a succulent. The physical manifestation that represents your unending love and you want to take a picture of it nestled inside a plant or on top of a bird's molted body part, yeah that totally makes sense.

Step 4: OMG I die! SO adorbs.

"OMG those are so cute" is not a good reason to make paper straws a focal point of all your wedding photos. Yes, there is no denying these paper straws are cute and come in so many colors they can match any wedding color scheme. But they were way cuter in the first hundred thousand weddings they were in. Now it seems like a staple. "You havin' a weddin'? You havin' a weddin'? What color straws ya' want? I can gettum real cheap like, for yous." It used to be bride, groom and God but it's turned into bride, groom and cute striped paper straws.

Step 5: Let's take step 4 and make it even MORE cliché. And you thought it couldn't be done.

Holy shit! Let's drink from jars instead of glasses, so creative Martha. I really shouldn't be complaining about how my alcohol is served to me at a wedding because frankly I don't care as long as there is an open bar. But a mason jar with a paper straw is overrated. There are so many other respectable containers you can put your booze in; for example a glass or a mug or a tea cup or a bottle. Keep the ol' mason jar and straw trick for your backyard bbq unless you are having a backyard bbq wedding in which case where do I RSVP? You cookin' ribs?

Step 6: Because using mason jars wasn't enough you had to add more weird glass containers

I have noticed that with the reintroduction of what many are calling the "cupcake" back into society, the rate of the color coordinated candy table is slowly dying. Maybe not dying but at least being demoted to such events as "the baby's first shower" or the "i turned 40, again" party. Don't get me wrong I love a good sugary treat, but it's so overplayed that it couldn't possibly be authentic to your wedding; you know, the biggest day of your life. Unless you and your fiancé met over coffee while sharing an Almond Joy and you happen to love the colors brown, white and blue, this cliché should be avoided. 

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All and all, my personal feeling toward weddings is that it should be party for you to express the combining of two lives forever. If you feel glass jars of bubble gum or a topiary of pink caramel represents your relationship then by all means. If those straws are "so you" then fuck it do the straw thing, but all I ask is that you think it through. Your wedding is an opportunity to share the story of your relationship with all your loved ones. I just can't imagine that it's possible that everyone's story involves paper straws, mason jars, and color coordinated candy.